Where There is Smoke
by VO1
Summary: Mars, Nephrite and Zoisite check out a forest fire and come back a little too happy. With unintentional substance abuse.


There was a forest fire in Brazil. No big deal. Three of them went to keep it from spreading out of control: Nephrite, of course, since the Americas were part of his territory; Mars to rein in the flames, and Zoisite for investigation and post-event analysis. And compared to what they had to deal with in the past, this was barely a ripple on the global scale.

Thus, Minako was mildly surprised when the message was sent to her to report to the King's chambers immediately; it was regarding the fire, and it was urgent. And if she could please bring the video camera, if possible, since its last whereabouts were with her.

Well then. If it was so urgent, why were they bugging her about the camera?

She took her time making her way to the chambers. On the way, another message came through her communicator, from the Queen, imploring her to hurry, everyone was there already, and that she didn't want to miss this.

The first thing that hit her was the smell.

"What the—" she could barely form the sentence. Nephrite, Zoisite, and Mars were seated at a table, still powered up, covered head to toe in a fine film of ash. The table was scattered with candy wrappers and water cups, and they were…they were _grinning._

"Minako!" Mars gasped, slapping her hands against the table. For some reason, this set all three of them off laughing hysterically. Zoisite stopped suddenly, almost as if he had instantly forgotten what was funny, and picked up a glass of water, staring at it for a long moment before taking an experimental sip.

She turned to Kunzite. "What is going on? Someone please explain."

He was struggling to keep from smiling, too. "Ask them."

"What?" She didn't have time for this.

"Seriously, ask them," Ami added, coming to stand next to Minako's elbow. "I'm estimating that they'll start to come down in about five or six hours, since this isn't the same kind as back in the day."

"Until then, this is awesome," Jadeite added, kneeling next to Mars. "Wish I went, too. Rei?"

"Yeeeah?" She stretched the word into several syllables, her eyes glassy and distant. She popped a chocolate candy in her mouth, grinning from ear to ear.

"Can you tell Minako what happened?"

She cocked her head to one side. "What what happened?" She reached over and grabbed another candy, then stared off into space, giggling softly as she chewed open-mouthed.

He turned to Minako and shrugged.

Suddenly it dawned on her. "No way. They didn't—"

"Oh it's not our fault!" Zoisite burst out suddenly, blinking rapidly. "It was like, in the fire. Hey what the fuck?" He was staring at his glass again. "There are like, little things floating in my water. Little white things, I can see them. We're supposed to be purifying the water of any stupid gross little bugs and germs and this means I've been drinking little fucking disgusting organisms and now they are inside of me. Fuck. I've drunk water with bugs in it and those bugs will lay eggs and I will become their universe. I can't be someone's universe. There's too much pressure."

Endymion collapsed into laughter, clinging to the Queen. "Oh Goddess, this is fucking classic. Did you bring the camera, Minako?"

Minako could feel the beginnings of a headache forming in her sinus cavities. "They're high."

Nephrite giggled, setting off the other two. His eyes were so bloodshot it looked painful. "We are not just high. We are fucking completely face-shittingly high!"

That did it. Everyone in the room burst out laughing for a full five minutes, no one laughing harder than the trio at the table. Zoisite fell out of his chair and landed on all fours, coughing and shaking with gut-busting laughter. Mars had tears streaming down her face. "What the—what's 'face-shittingly' mean? Oh my god, oh my god. You said it. What does it mean?"

"I don't know!" Nephrite tried to compose himself, unsuccessfully. "But we are it. You know, we are it." He banged his forehead to the tabletop and started snickering.

Minako regretted not bringing the camera with her.

Mars obviously felt the need to explain, even though she was still laughing. "So, this fire—this fire, right?" She paused, reaching for more candy. "There was all this smoke."

"Smoke," Zoisite said from the floor. "Fucking awesome happy smoke!"

Mars stared off again, chomping on a candy bar. "Rei?" Makoto prompted.

"Huh?"

"You were telling Minako what happened?"

Mars stared at her. "I just did!"

"Just to let you know," Jadeite whispered to her, smiling. "This took about a half and hour the first time."

"Great," Minako muttered. "OK, Rei, focus a second. There was smoke?"

"Totally smoke."

A pause. "And?"

Zoisite started rambling. "So there was this smoke, right? We got everyone away from the fire but there was still smoke, so we got closer, which was like a good idea, right? Right?"

"I don't know, man," Nephrite tried to lift his head. "Hey, do we have any more candy? I'm fucking starving."

The Queen produced more candy from a drawer and dumped it on the table. Zoisite continued, in between hiccups. "So there was this smoke, and we were close to it, and when we got the fire out and went looking around for the…uh. Uh."

Mars started chuckling again, her fingers stained with chocolate. Nephrite rubbed his face, his eyes barely open. "You're making it too complicated! Just start from when we saw the smoke."

Mars dissolved into hysterics, giggling as rapidly as machine gun fire. Minako smiled, despite herself. This was actually very amusing.

"Smoke," Zoisite repeated.

"Smooooke it," Nephrite drawled, having a bit of trouble with the candy wrapper. "Goddess, how come this is so hard to open? It must be made in Canada."

"What!" Mars laughed. "What the hell! You're stoned! Oh my Goddess you're so stoned!"

"So are you!"

"I know!"

"I'm getting all this," Ami said from behind her computer. "We may not need that camera."

Zoisite struggled to remember where he left off. "We went back and there were all kinds of plants including our old friend and they were all half burned. It was really deep in there. Why is it so quiet in here? Can we turn some music on? Which was my water glass? I don't want the one with bugs in it. They're going to lay eggs inside of me."

Kunzite pulled a familiar leafy frond out of his pocket and handed it to Minako. "Remember this?"

"Oh my Goddess."

"Long story short, they happened upon a forest fire that was burning several hundred acres of _cannabis sativa_ and inhaled enough smoke to keep them high until the next century."

"What do we do?"

He shrugged. "Feed them, let them play as much Bob Marley as they want, film it, and laugh at them later."

Zoisite picked his head up, one eye not completely open. "Hey, do we have any Marley? Put that shit on!"

Mars giggled and reached for another candy bar.


End file.
